Disturbing Dreams

I've been having some very vivid, very disturbing dreams lately. Last night's dreams were fine (what I remember of them) if a bit restless, but this morning... I caught an extra hour or so of sleep, and I dreamt that I received a phone call from Merri, of all people.

It was hard to hear her at the other end of the connection, she kept fading out. But after a bit of catching up she told me she thought she had something attached to her, like a demon. Two of them, actually. That she was prone to periods of memory loss when she didn't know what she had done, and that she woke up sometimes with small cuts on her lower back that sometimes lingered, and sometimes healed within the day. She asked me for my help.

In the dream I went to her, and did what I would have done in waking, though why I thought I could manage alone I had no idea. The worst trouble was that part of her was addicted to the demonic presence and was unwilling to let go of it. Partway through our session she became antsy and her attention wandered, so I tried Ho'oponopono.... and the demons possessed her and attacked me. There followed a struggle where I did my best to treat her while keeping her both from leaving and from hurting me. At some point we were interrupted, I think by her younger sister, and we regained some distance and control. I did some more work, and the demons seemed to back off... But then I woke, unsure whether I had freed her, or simply made her tormentors angry.

And two hours after having woken from this dream, I still cannot get Merri out of my head. But all I can do is send her love and prayers, on the off chance that something bad may have happened to her. We haven't talked in years. I can't very well call her up or email her and ask if she's okay because I had this crazy dream... I have nightmares all the time. Like most of them I would have let this one go, if it had only faded after waking. But that I am still uneasy hours later makes me worry. Merri, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, remember that you are loved. Peace be with you.


This was not the first occurrence of a nightmare that began with a phone call from a friend with whom I have been out of touch. This last weekend I dreamed that Trent called me, and he was suffering from a desperate and deadly depression. He needed a friend fast, or he would possibly do something permanent to himself.... Waking, I cannot imagine the calm, solid, wonderful Trent being so throughly dimmed and dejected. But I have had a dream of him before, where I saw him in soldier mode, and when I described it he told me that it was accurate.

Perhaps I am merely feeling subconsciously guilty about not having contacted either of these two lovely people in so long. Perhaps I am merely trying to get myself to write the emails and make the phone calls that I promised to all the people I promised them to.

I worry, and yet do not call. Terrible habit.

On another topic.... Scribe my darling, you are leaving tomorrow. Have a fabulous trip. I love you, I miss you already, I look forward to hearing your voice and seeing your face online. Go with all the blessings and hugs you can carry. I'll try to get the rest of chapter two to you tonight.

@}~'~~,~~~~~~~Thistle

Once Again....

Once upon a time I tried to keep a blog, but it's been out of date awhile. I come to this new page at the same time I feel I am coming to a new stage in my life. A minor change in the grand scheme of things, I suppose but....

I am at a loss as to describe how I am feeling, right at this moment. I am happy, because I now have time off, after having rubbed my soul raw from working too hard for too long without a true break. I am happy because I have the house to myself today, and I am learning to use the bus system where I live, and I may have enough money this year to go to a Ren Faire and actually buy some of the pretty objects I normally covet there. I am happy because I will finally have time to organize myself, my objects, and my thoughts. I am happy that I will have time and inclination to write and create and enjoy a new sense of beauty and freedom. I am happy because the miasma of anger, resentfulness, depression, and spite that has colored my spirit and tainted my relationships for the last several months is finally lifting.

But I still come to this post with a heavy heart. My relationships seem to be dissolving around the edges, and I'm not sure if they will disappear altogether or simply change shape. One of my best friends ever leaves for Japan in a mere three days, and a million goodbyes and well-wishes and a I-promise-I'll-call/write-yous will not make the pain of her going any less. What can I do? What can I say? I wish you all the best, my darling, I hope that you find Japan to be everything you dreamed, that you meet your lovely Japanese boy and fall madly in love and get married and become wildly wealthy and successful. But for now I will only be able to touch you through a computer. I will not be able to put my arms around you, or smell your hair, or cuddle with you during a roleplaying session -- none of the hundred wonderful touchy-feelie sister/friend things that have been so easy with you from day one. And you will not go alone, for Kia will follow you there in a year, and then I will have lost both of you to the other side of the world, with no knowing how anything will turn out or if I will ever see the two of you in person again.

And yesterday morning, my uncle John died.

Grief, freedom, joy, sorrow, anger, release.... I'm not used to feeling such a strange melange of emotions at once.

I think it leaves me feeling...contemplative.

Well, so much for my first post. A bit mixed I suppose. Scribe, I love and adore you and wish you the best, and expect to hear from you CONSTANTLY, seeing as how I have joined the very same blogsphere that you have. We can write alternating roleplays on this thing you know. *G* Hello cousin Willow, if you read this! I would like to get to know you a bit better. If you have any time while you're state-side, give me a call or a visit. Hugs and love to all my friends and family, you ought to know who this is. *G*

@}~'~~,~~~~~~~Thistle