Flowering of the Rose (or the Thistle)

It is raining outside. But I am okay with that, because it's a lovely, gentle, spring rain. It is officially spring-like outside, with the light, intermittent little droplets wetting the ground just enough to mingle the smell of warm damp pavement with the powdery scent of ornamental pear trees in full bloom. There is a brisk little breeze, gusting in a game attempt to become a full-blown wind, but though the blossom laden branches jitter and bounce, the tiny white petals still cling to tightly to their centers to be snatched away. It is an absolutely lovely day outside, and the feeling of real, honest to-goodness SPRING in the air fills me with delight. Even better, I have come home to an apartment empty of people, where I can relax and unwind for a few hours all by myself. Furthermore, although I am alone, I have walked through the door to the sound of one of my favorite music tracks playing from Raymond's computer. I know he must have done it to welcome me home, all the way from Raleigh, and I am still smiling for it.

My moods of late have been rather volatile and mixed. I love being here by myself, I really do. I feel so much...freer, I guess, to do and be and feel whatever I like. I'm far more relaxed. Oddly, I find myself wanting to share this feeling of relaxation and release with Raymond....but since it arises out of being ALONE, I'm not really sure how I can do that.

Strange how we can both cherish and resent those things in our lives which we hold the most dear. My solitude. My husband. My sight. My dear friend Relaeh. Writing Club. Even reading. People and things I have agreed to and WANT to have and be with and do. There are not enough hours in the day, in the week, in the MONTH to do it all justice and not feel depleted. And I am constantly reminded, when I get the urge to DO something, that I am held hostage by my sight. Sometimes all I want to do is hop in a car and drive MYSELF downtown to buy a cup of tea, or a book, or an ice cream cone. But I can't. There are always people attached to my travel, husband/friends/busdriver.... I cannot simply walk out the door and go. Oh sure, I can WALK some places. But that takes far more effort than suppressing the desire to go somewhere. And no matter how accommodating the people in my life profess to be, I still feel guilty about asking them to interrupt their own life-streams to take me this place or that. I want to do things on my own, and not inconvenience anyone. Especially not myself.

What would it be like, really, to be completely my own person? The master of my own destiny, queen of my abode and captain of my own ship? What would it be like to be completely in charge of my own person, my own life, and absolutely no one else's?

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be married. I'm very happy to be of such help to my very dear friend and to share her conversation and her company. I'm ecstatic to have the people of the Writing Club shower me twice a week with their prose and poetry. But I simply can't seem to shake this subtle, pervasive feeling of being tied, trapped, held hostage against my good behavior. I want to live and be and do the things that I want. I want to be like this lady in "Eat, Pray, Love", and drop everything not fullfilling in favor of a wild adventure into the core of my own being and drive.

Is this a faze? Do I need to fix it? Am I broken? I used to feel as if I were here almost solely for the benefit of other people. I was here to serve them, to give everyone every part of me I possibly could. I believed I was here purely to HELP everyone.

But I don't want to help everyone now. I feel rather like I've done my time and been burnt to a crisp in the process. I need some tender-loving care dammit, and I DON'T need those closest to me saying silly, self-centered things like "You haven't stopped for a single moment to spend time with me today", or "Why don't you want to stay over at my house?". Really now people, I've spent the last CHUNK of my life giving you everything I had. Please, can't you do me the courtesy of backing off? My answer is simply "I was doing something else that I wanted to do" and "Because I just don't want to be there." Take it or leave it folks, I'm about done with being guilty and diplomatic. I NEED my space. I NEED to do my own thing, and sometimes that includes you, and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it includes other people NOT you. I've given as many people as I could all the understanding and compassion, time and energy, love and life-force I could possibly manage for years. I don't think it's really unreasonable that I get just a little of that reflected back on me in return.

I love you. I really, really do. I promise that this is a phase, and I will get over it. It might take a year or two, but I WILL balance out. That's not really a very long time in the scheme of things. So as you love me back, do us all a favor and just LET ME GO. Share your life with me sure, I want to know. But support me in my exploration and experimentations. Let me learn what it is to be a strong individual.

I want to learn to be myself. LET ME.