It's time for the registries! Only, Taum and I aren't sure what exactly we want or need yet. We've created one for Amazon already, but it doesn't have anything in it...yet. This is the fun part, right? Right?
Anyway, the things that keep coming up are fairly big items. We want a nice honeymoon, but at this rate we might not be able to afford it. I need a new computer. We need a new bed. And I know we probably need other things that are fairly large and expensive as well -- too large for me to think anyone would want to/be able to buy the whole thing. And knowing what we specifically need requires research we haven't done yet. So I have created a ChipIn fund, so that anyone who might want to contribute five dollars towards our future life together may do so fairly easily. I think this thing records the contributors as well, so we should be able to thank you properly for care. ;)
Also, remember you can find our slowly evolving wedding website with all the important information at http://www.ewedding.com/taumandsammy
*HUGS* Hope to see you soon!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Life Update: The Move
So it’s been awhile since I posted any updates, and I’ve promised them to some people, so here they are.
To recap for anyone (really?) who doesn’t know by now….
I have met a wonderful man named Taum through the magic of family and online Dungeons and Dragons. After many months, late night talks and plane tickets I have agreed to marry him (seeing as how any other answer would have been utterly insane). To this end I have flung myself into the unknown, uprooting myself and leaving behind my much loved family and communities to make a new start in Colorado.
So here is the digest:
A few week’s before I moved, Taum, his mother and my mother descended upon my little upstairs apartment and stuffed it into boxes. This was an enormous help – I don’t think I could have managed it on my own, even if I did end up bring things that I hadn’t intended to or packed things in a less orderly fashion than initially desired. Then they all went home I proceeded to do almost nothing between then and crunch time for the move. Many thanks again to those people who took my stuff away for me. I feel better knowing it is being used and loved by people I care about and want to support!
Moving day was October 1st, and I had an unbeatable crew of helpers. My undying gratitude to my parents Nate and Gail, my uncle Guy, my cousin Willow and her partner Jon, and my dear friends Julie and Kirsten. After some difficulty with truck rental (my debit card had a limit on it, and then we couldn’t use that card again so Nathan had to help) my army pounced upon my unsuspecting storage unit. All the things it took so long to put in there, that had been sitting there for years…in the truck in less than an hour. Then they descended upon what was left in my apartment.
Mommy and Kirsten and I had to make a stop to drop off some give-away items and then fill up the truck, so by the time I got back my busy worker ants had already begun packing my apartment. Which was great…but came with a few unintended and entertaining consequences. It took rather longer (since I could not supervise the doings of that many people all at once), but I did not have to carry really anything down the stairs. Again, seriously, undying gratitude! I wish I could have given you guys more for your time and effort.
We eventually rolled out at three in the afternoon, my mom and me and my very VERY unhappy cat. Orpheus does NOT like travel. He spent most of the time hiding behind the seats as far into a corner and as unreachable as he could possibly get. He kept his eyes shut and his nose buried so he couldn’t see the alarming things around him. They say animals become like their owners…that’s an uncomfortable observation!
We spent most of the trip singing and talking. The first day we drove late into the night, then parked at a truck stop to sleep. My mom stayed up front while Orpheus and I bedded down in the back on some memory foam. It would have been fine but it got very cold and we had to keep starting up the truck for the heat. Also, there was a lot of noise from the trucks around us, and it kept scaring Orpheus. He was just starting to settle down and explore the back of the truck when someone asked mommy to move our truck. That did it – Orpheus stayed terrified, refusing to eat, drink, or potty. Eventually we decided more sleep was not going to happen and we drove on just to keep warm.
The next day we tried to tempt Orpheus with tuna. He seemed weak and disoriented, he was cold and his breath smelled terrible. He wouldn’t have anything to do with food though, so we forced water and a little tuna juice down him instead. He perked up a little after that. We took our time that day, pausing to sit at a rest-stop to eat lunch, put our bare toes in the grass and attempt to get Orpheus to lighten up. I think being on a surface that didn’t move helped, but he was still an unhappy kitty. Watering him may or may not have been a mistake. He was so tight tailed we didn’t think he’d use the litter box, so we hadn’t brought it into the cab. That night he made a distressed sort of meow and…peed all over the cab. There was nothing we could do except pull over and try to mop it up. WOW! It wasn’t too bad at first, but man does that stuff start to stink. And it just seems to get worse the longer it sits!
That night there was no sleeping in the cab. We had to keep the windows cracked in order to be able to breathe. We were exhausted and dirty, and we kept missing the rest stops. So I made the executive decision to rent a room for the night. We smuggled Orpheus in for part of the night in the hopes that he might relax and eat something. I’m not sure if he did or not, but he started meowing so loudly in the middle of the night that we had to exile him to the cab of the truck again. Poor baby.
We slept well, ate, and got really clean – my favorite part – then set off again bright and early. I have never been to Kansas before. My apologies to those of you who like it but….seriously nothing but miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing! Kansas is FLAT. And empty. It would have been pretty with the open spaces, solitary trees surrounded by empty turf, and patches of some sort of red crop, but the sky was an unrelieved shade of dirty brown pollution. There were hawks sitting on fence posts every few miles though, so that was pretty cool. I kept expecting to see the Rockies at any point – surely with so much unrelieved flatness their towering peaks should have visible for miles around! But apparently the land by way of Kansas slopes up gently but inexorably. We were practically seeing signs for Colorado Springs before saw any hint of the mountains! I couldn’t believe how little civilization we saw before we actually exited the highway for Denver.
Taum and his mom met us and the four of us unloaded the truck two dolly-fulls at a time and trekked them up the elevator. SO MANY BOXES! We were all wiped after that – the order of the evening was food and bed.
Mommy stayed to help me unpack that week – she was really helpful! We got a ton of things taken care of straight off. Orpheus took the move pretty hard at first – he still likes to hide under the bed most of the day. The second or third night I was here he made his displeasure at this unprecedented life-interruption known by peeing on me while I slept. Gotta tell you, there are few more unpleasant things to wake up to. Taum helped me handle it quickly and efficiently however, and Orpheus was banished from the bedroom for awhile.
And that is most of the story of my moving in. I still have several boxes of books and many, MANY file binders to unpack and organize. I have to put up my alter, my desk situation needs assistance, and there are some pictures that need hanging. Taum has been exceptionally gracious in allowing me to utterly rearrange his house from kitchen cabinets to the dresser drawers. In return I, yes I!, made dinner for the two of us all last week. Trying to take advantage of this real kitchen concept. Also trying not to allow myself to become a shut in. But it’s really helping my transition to be able to arrange everything here to my liking. Seeing our things all blended together makes me smile. Orpheus seems to be settling in at last, sleeping with us and allowing Taum to pet him, so that is good – though I think he misses being able to roam outside.
I miss everyone in North Carolina, but I am so grateful to be here. Forgive me for the lack of communication, everyone. I am still in stress-recovery mode, and by now you know how hermit-like I get when I’ve been under strain. Happy Halloween! Wish I could be there with you for it. Light a candle and eat a piece of chocolate for me, won’t you?
Maui rundown coming…sometime.
To recap for anyone (really?) who doesn’t know by now….
I have met a wonderful man named Taum through the magic of family and online Dungeons and Dragons. After many months, late night talks and plane tickets I have agreed to marry him (seeing as how any other answer would have been utterly insane). To this end I have flung myself into the unknown, uprooting myself and leaving behind my much loved family and communities to make a new start in Colorado.
So here is the digest:
A few week’s before I moved, Taum, his mother and my mother descended upon my little upstairs apartment and stuffed it into boxes. This was an enormous help – I don’t think I could have managed it on my own, even if I did end up bring things that I hadn’t intended to or packed things in a less orderly fashion than initially desired. Then they all went home I proceeded to do almost nothing between then and crunch time for the move. Many thanks again to those people who took my stuff away for me. I feel better knowing it is being used and loved by people I care about and want to support!
Moving day was October 1st, and I had an unbeatable crew of helpers. My undying gratitude to my parents Nate and Gail, my uncle Guy, my cousin Willow and her partner Jon, and my dear friends Julie and Kirsten. After some difficulty with truck rental (my debit card had a limit on it, and then we couldn’t use that card again so Nathan had to help) my army pounced upon my unsuspecting storage unit. All the things it took so long to put in there, that had been sitting there for years…in the truck in less than an hour. Then they descended upon what was left in my apartment.
Mommy and Kirsten and I had to make a stop to drop off some give-away items and then fill up the truck, so by the time I got back my busy worker ants had already begun packing my apartment. Which was great…but came with a few unintended and entertaining consequences. It took rather longer (since I could not supervise the doings of that many people all at once), but I did not have to carry really anything down the stairs. Again, seriously, undying gratitude! I wish I could have given you guys more for your time and effort.
We eventually rolled out at three in the afternoon, my mom and me and my very VERY unhappy cat. Orpheus does NOT like travel. He spent most of the time hiding behind the seats as far into a corner and as unreachable as he could possibly get. He kept his eyes shut and his nose buried so he couldn’t see the alarming things around him. They say animals become like their owners…that’s an uncomfortable observation!
We spent most of the trip singing and talking. The first day we drove late into the night, then parked at a truck stop to sleep. My mom stayed up front while Orpheus and I bedded down in the back on some memory foam. It would have been fine but it got very cold and we had to keep starting up the truck for the heat. Also, there was a lot of noise from the trucks around us, and it kept scaring Orpheus. He was just starting to settle down and explore the back of the truck when someone asked mommy to move our truck. That did it – Orpheus stayed terrified, refusing to eat, drink, or potty. Eventually we decided more sleep was not going to happen and we drove on just to keep warm.
The next day we tried to tempt Orpheus with tuna. He seemed weak and disoriented, he was cold and his breath smelled terrible. He wouldn’t have anything to do with food though, so we forced water and a little tuna juice down him instead. He perked up a little after that. We took our time that day, pausing to sit at a rest-stop to eat lunch, put our bare toes in the grass and attempt to get Orpheus to lighten up. I think being on a surface that didn’t move helped, but he was still an unhappy kitty. Watering him may or may not have been a mistake. He was so tight tailed we didn’t think he’d use the litter box, so we hadn’t brought it into the cab. That night he made a distressed sort of meow and…peed all over the cab. There was nothing we could do except pull over and try to mop it up. WOW! It wasn’t too bad at first, but man does that stuff start to stink. And it just seems to get worse the longer it sits!
That night there was no sleeping in the cab. We had to keep the windows cracked in order to be able to breathe. We were exhausted and dirty, and we kept missing the rest stops. So I made the executive decision to rent a room for the night. We smuggled Orpheus in for part of the night in the hopes that he might relax and eat something. I’m not sure if he did or not, but he started meowing so loudly in the middle of the night that we had to exile him to the cab of the truck again. Poor baby.
We slept well, ate, and got really clean – my favorite part – then set off again bright and early. I have never been to Kansas before. My apologies to those of you who like it but….seriously nothing but miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles of nothing! Kansas is FLAT. And empty. It would have been pretty with the open spaces, solitary trees surrounded by empty turf, and patches of some sort of red crop, but the sky was an unrelieved shade of dirty brown pollution. There were hawks sitting on fence posts every few miles though, so that was pretty cool. I kept expecting to see the Rockies at any point – surely with so much unrelieved flatness their towering peaks should have visible for miles around! But apparently the land by way of Kansas slopes up gently but inexorably. We were practically seeing signs for Colorado Springs before saw any hint of the mountains! I couldn’t believe how little civilization we saw before we actually exited the highway for Denver.
Taum and his mom met us and the four of us unloaded the truck two dolly-fulls at a time and trekked them up the elevator. SO MANY BOXES! We were all wiped after that – the order of the evening was food and bed.
Mommy stayed to help me unpack that week – she was really helpful! We got a ton of things taken care of straight off. Orpheus took the move pretty hard at first – he still likes to hide under the bed most of the day. The second or third night I was here he made his displeasure at this unprecedented life-interruption known by peeing on me while I slept. Gotta tell you, there are few more unpleasant things to wake up to. Taum helped me handle it quickly and efficiently however, and Orpheus was banished from the bedroom for awhile.
And that is most of the story of my moving in. I still have several boxes of books and many, MANY file binders to unpack and organize. I have to put up my alter, my desk situation needs assistance, and there are some pictures that need hanging. Taum has been exceptionally gracious in allowing me to utterly rearrange his house from kitchen cabinets to the dresser drawers. In return I, yes I!, made dinner for the two of us all last week. Trying to take advantage of this real kitchen concept. Also trying not to allow myself to become a shut in. But it’s really helping my transition to be able to arrange everything here to my liking. Seeing our things all blended together makes me smile. Orpheus seems to be settling in at last, sleeping with us and allowing Taum to pet him, so that is good – though I think he misses being able to roam outside.
I miss everyone in North Carolina, but I am so grateful to be here. Forgive me for the lack of communication, everyone. I am still in stress-recovery mode, and by now you know how hermit-like I get when I’ve been under strain. Happy Halloween! Wish I could be there with you for it. Light a candle and eat a piece of chocolate for me, won’t you?
Maui rundown coming…sometime.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Reflections on the Nature of Karma
So this evening I was speaking with Julie as she was taking me home, and we got to talking about past lives and nasty things we've done in the past to people we know and love in our present. Naturally that moved the conversation into the discussion of karmic debt, and how such wrongs are repaid. Me being me, I had to follow that rabbit trail as far as I could.
So it seems to me that suffering is the lowest form of reparation one can make. The idea in karma is that when you wrong someone, you are wronged in turn, in this life or the next. This strikes me as rather an inefficient goad. First of all, in order for a punishment to be truly effective, the recipient must know what they are being punished FOR. Unless you are into exploring your past lives (an activity which is entertaining and often enlightening, but in no way necessary to self-growth), you will like as not have no idea why you have such a bum deal in this one. Also, if you murder someone in a past life, and they turn around and murder you, this does not redress the wrong. It perpetuates a cycle of pain between the two until one or the other chooses to end it by NOT participating.
Supposing then that karma is not so much a rule imposed upon us to govern us and teach us to act rightly, but a rule we cleave to on a subtle level? It is common throughout any culture I can think of (and if you know of one not like this then please enlighten me) that a criminal is punished and made to suffer in some fashion, as if this will redress the wrong they have done. But it does not. Someone else's pain cannot and will not alleviate my own, though in some vengeful mood I may believe it does. But such blood-thirst does me harm as well, and in extreme cases may make me no better than the one who wronged me. What, then, is the purpose of suffering?
It is, of course, the very lowest form of rule. The wrong-doer supposedly does not repeat the offense because they are afraid to suffer the punishment. Likewise an individual who contemplates a crime may turn away from it because they fear the discomfort the consequences may bring them. Suffering, then, is a bludgeon. Which in turn makes the idea of suffering injury or disease, poverty or death in this life for the sins of the past absolutely ludicrous. You are not doing the right thing because of punishment, you are attempting to avoid doing the wrong thing -- something entirely different. You do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, as a friend of mine likes to quote. People who are acting for the good are doing so because they choose to regardless of the short-term personal consequences. It may be for the sake of reward, certainly, but to do so in order to avoid pain is a forced action relying on the instinct to preserve one's self, not a true decision to act in a positive fashion.
Where, then, does that leave the concept of a Cosmic Law of Karma? I am not inclined to say it does not appear to exist, because I have felt its effects both good and bad, and have seen it in action on numerous occasions. Yet, I believe our concept of it is faulty, or at least over-simplified. Karma is not a hard and fast rule. I put forth the idea that karma is merely a manifest aspect of the Law of Attraction. Master San Gee Tam says "What you practice, you become." So if you practice doing evil by doing selfish, negative things or even by interacting with your environment with such a mindset, you become an evil-doer. The Law of Attraction states that we draw to us that with which we resonate -- that which we are, and think about, and do. Therefore the thief will suffer loss, even if that is not readily apparent. For what we do each moment affects the state of our soul, our total being and its health in ways both minute and major. Even if the result is not readily apparent, we carry the resonance over into our next life, again and again and again.Even if the result is not readily apparent, we carry the resonance over into our next life, again and again and again. Even if you do not believe in the idea of past lives, or karma, or the Law of Attraction, you can still see how the perspective you develop through negative or positive action -- your own personal common sense, as it were -- may warp and distort how you experience the world around you and what you choose to surround yourself with.
So even if someone has done terrible terrible things in the past, their karma lies in their own hands. Perhaps suffering will be inflicted upon them, and some may pause to consider it and come to the realization that their own infliction of suffering on others was wrong. Therefore they may set out to correct their ways. However, mere suffering itself will not redress the wrong. It is only when we decide to act out of kindness and compassion and wisdom regardless of the apparent immediate consequences to ourselves that we begin to rise above the cycle of pain and truly render up payment for whatever sins we may have committed.
Therefore the act of suffering is largely useless, for we may at any time decide to begin acting rightly. To continue suffering after this point serves no purpose. Pain may be an excellent teacher, but he is a teacher of the last extreme. So when I find myself to be experiencing discomfort I must ask myself the cause. And having identified the source, I must then discern what positive action I might take instead. If I then feel I do not want to follow through with this right action, I must then identify the resistance.
Because otherwise I am choosing to suffer, and no one is responsible for that but me.
So it seems to me that suffering is the lowest form of reparation one can make. The idea in karma is that when you wrong someone, you are wronged in turn, in this life or the next. This strikes me as rather an inefficient goad. First of all, in order for a punishment to be truly effective, the recipient must know what they are being punished FOR. Unless you are into exploring your past lives (an activity which is entertaining and often enlightening, but in no way necessary to self-growth), you will like as not have no idea why you have such a bum deal in this one. Also, if you murder someone in a past life, and they turn around and murder you, this does not redress the wrong. It perpetuates a cycle of pain between the two until one or the other chooses to end it by NOT participating.
Supposing then that karma is not so much a rule imposed upon us to govern us and teach us to act rightly, but a rule we cleave to on a subtle level? It is common throughout any culture I can think of (and if you know of one not like this then please enlighten me) that a criminal is punished and made to suffer in some fashion, as if this will redress the wrong they have done. But it does not. Someone else's pain cannot and will not alleviate my own, though in some vengeful mood I may believe it does. But such blood-thirst does me harm as well, and in extreme cases may make me no better than the one who wronged me. What, then, is the purpose of suffering?
It is, of course, the very lowest form of rule. The wrong-doer supposedly does not repeat the offense because they are afraid to suffer the punishment. Likewise an individual who contemplates a crime may turn away from it because they fear the discomfort the consequences may bring them. Suffering, then, is a bludgeon. Which in turn makes the idea of suffering injury or disease, poverty or death in this life for the sins of the past absolutely ludicrous. You are not doing the right thing because of punishment, you are attempting to avoid doing the wrong thing -- something entirely different. You do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, as a friend of mine likes to quote. People who are acting for the good are doing so because they choose to regardless of the short-term personal consequences. It may be for the sake of reward, certainly, but to do so in order to avoid pain is a forced action relying on the instinct to preserve one's self, not a true decision to act in a positive fashion.
Where, then, does that leave the concept of a Cosmic Law of Karma? I am not inclined to say it does not appear to exist, because I have felt its effects both good and bad, and have seen it in action on numerous occasions. Yet, I believe our concept of it is faulty, or at least over-simplified. Karma is not a hard and fast rule. I put forth the idea that karma is merely a manifest aspect of the Law of Attraction. Master San Gee Tam says "What you practice, you become." So if you practice doing evil by doing selfish, negative things or even by interacting with your environment with such a mindset, you become an evil-doer. The Law of Attraction states that we draw to us that with which we resonate -- that which we are, and think about, and do. Therefore the thief will suffer loss, even if that is not readily apparent. For what we do each moment affects the state of our soul, our total being and its health in ways both minute and major. Even if the result is not readily apparent, we carry the resonance over into our next life, again and again and again.Even if the result is not readily apparent, we carry the resonance over into our next life, again and again and again. Even if you do not believe in the idea of past lives, or karma, or the Law of Attraction, you can still see how the perspective you develop through negative or positive action -- your own personal common sense, as it were -- may warp and distort how you experience the world around you and what you choose to surround yourself with.
So even if someone has done terrible terrible things in the past, their karma lies in their own hands. Perhaps suffering will be inflicted upon them, and some may pause to consider it and come to the realization that their own infliction of suffering on others was wrong. Therefore they may set out to correct their ways. However, mere suffering itself will not redress the wrong. It is only when we decide to act out of kindness and compassion and wisdom regardless of the apparent immediate consequences to ourselves that we begin to rise above the cycle of pain and truly render up payment for whatever sins we may have committed.
Therefore the act of suffering is largely useless, for we may at any time decide to begin acting rightly. To continue suffering after this point serves no purpose. Pain may be an excellent teacher, but he is a teacher of the last extreme. So when I find myself to be experiencing discomfort I must ask myself the cause. And having identified the source, I must then discern what positive action I might take instead. If I then feel I do not want to follow through with this right action, I must then identify the resistance.
Because otherwise I am choosing to suffer, and no one is responsible for that but me.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Too Much of a Good Thing?
Okay, I'm suffering some overwhelm here. The problem is, it's all good things. But they're good things I have responsibility for...and I may have bitten off just a little more than I can chew.
It seemed perfectly reasonable, at first. And then there was another thing. And another thing. And just one more little thing...and all I will have help with. But all take time, and energy, and prep-work. What the HELL did I just do to myself?
Maybe I'm just feeling bad because I'm tired and still in shock and pain from getting six teeth pulled at once. Maybe I just need some extra vitamin B today. But I'm not sure how sociable I can be, and I'm afraid I'm going to start snapping at people who completely don't deserve it. To break it down, this is what thing look like between October and February.
October:
Ritual planning for Samhain
Scribe's Painting Party
Taum's visit
Tea tasting
(not so bad, right?)
November:
Bunch of birthdays
Six tooth dental visit
Tea tasting
Allegra's painting party
Leading a workshop
Yule planning for Path
Week long Thanksgiving trip to see Taum
December:
Ten day trip to Cali
Yule with Path
Scribe's Christmas Party
Christmas trip to Franklin
Being Adryn's minion
January:
Being Adryn's minion
Next dentist app.
Work catchup
February:
Tea tasting
Trip to see Taum (hopefully)
Nothing individually, or even in small sections, is too much. But too many of these things are happening one right after the other, involving weeks out of my life not merely hours. Somewhere in there I am balancing two D&D games a week, Writing Club, helping organize Path of the Moon, working, buying Christmas presents with non-existent money for more people and people I don't know as well as I should, getting a passport and money to go to Japan, and oh yes, WRITING.
I love all of these things. I WANT to do all of these things. I am in heaven being of help to so many people, being a part of so many diverse communities. But I'm wondering if I need to start saying "no" again. Or just learn to keep my mouth shut. Or something. Because I'm exhausted already, and it's barely mid-November. If things keep happening like they have been, January and February are going to fill up too.
And I can't shake the feeling that I'm whining about nothing. I know busy people. Do I really count as a busy people? So much of this is fun stuff, and my house is a wreck because I'm too tired and burned out even to sleep. How can I even begin to manage my energy here, to do any real recharging in the midst of this chaos?
And the repeating message in the back of my head is "All I want is to be with the man I love right now; to lock the doors and close the blinds and tell the rest of the world to go to hell for the next two weeks."
Highly impractical. Maybe some intensive visualization? The body and mind don't really know the difference between strongly imagined things and reality. Or maybe I just need to Ho'oponopono the holy hell out of feeling overwhelmed.
But I'm too tired.
Whine. Complain.
Bah.
Someone with real problems should slap some sense into me, bitching about having too much awesome on my plate.
It seemed perfectly reasonable, at first. And then there was another thing. And another thing. And just one more little thing...and all I will have help with. But all take time, and energy, and prep-work. What the HELL did I just do to myself?
Maybe I'm just feeling bad because I'm tired and still in shock and pain from getting six teeth pulled at once. Maybe I just need some extra vitamin B today. But I'm not sure how sociable I can be, and I'm afraid I'm going to start snapping at people who completely don't deserve it. To break it down, this is what thing look like between October and February.
October:
Ritual planning for Samhain
Scribe's Painting Party
Taum's visit
Tea tasting
(not so bad, right?)
November:
Bunch of birthdays
Six tooth dental visit
Tea tasting
Allegra's painting party
Leading a workshop
Yule planning for Path
Week long Thanksgiving trip to see Taum
December:
Ten day trip to Cali
Yule with Path
Scribe's Christmas Party
Christmas trip to Franklin
Being Adryn's minion
January:
Being Adryn's minion
Next dentist app.
Work catchup
February:
Tea tasting
Trip to see Taum (hopefully)
Nothing individually, or even in small sections, is too much. But too many of these things are happening one right after the other, involving weeks out of my life not merely hours. Somewhere in there I am balancing two D&D games a week, Writing Club, helping organize Path of the Moon, working, buying Christmas presents with non-existent money for more people and people I don't know as well as I should, getting a passport and money to go to Japan, and oh yes, WRITING.
I love all of these things. I WANT to do all of these things. I am in heaven being of help to so many people, being a part of so many diverse communities. But I'm wondering if I need to start saying "no" again. Or just learn to keep my mouth shut. Or something. Because I'm exhausted already, and it's barely mid-November. If things keep happening like they have been, January and February are going to fill up too.
And I can't shake the feeling that I'm whining about nothing. I know busy people. Do I really count as a busy people? So much of this is fun stuff, and my house is a wreck because I'm too tired and burned out even to sleep. How can I even begin to manage my energy here, to do any real recharging in the midst of this chaos?
And the repeating message in the back of my head is "All I want is to be with the man I love right now; to lock the doors and close the blinds and tell the rest of the world to go to hell for the next two weeks."
Highly impractical. Maybe some intensive visualization? The body and mind don't really know the difference between strongly imagined things and reality. Or maybe I just need to Ho'oponopono the holy hell out of feeling overwhelmed.
But I'm too tired.
Whine. Complain.
Bah.
Someone with real problems should slap some sense into me, bitching about having too much awesome on my plate.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
A Long Time Gone
Wow, a lot a lot a lot has happened. Dunno if anyone reads this anymore, I do most of my updates on facebook. Maybe I'll synchronize the two, that could work.
So here's the scoop:
I'm a lot healthier in every way these days.
Raymond and I are still friends, though not as close as we used to be. He's enjoying his busy life and I, mine. Still doing a lot of healing work there -- I'm always surprised at what comes up. But I suppose you can't live with someone for seven years or so and NOT take stuff away, good or bad.
I'm a solid part of many different communities now. It's cool, and weird, and a little exhausting, but since I got rid of that guilt programming it's been a lot easier to communicate with people. I don't burn out nearly so easily now, and I mind my resources better.
Biggest news of all: I'm in love again. Amazing, fantastic, BRILLIANT love, like nothing I have ever experienced. So far it's exactly like a relationship is supposed to be: warm, supportive, passionate....comfortable. More than that. It's as if I am more easy in my skin with him than at any other time. And he's helping me heal so much, so quickly! The sheer blessing of his presence in my life (even though he lives in a totally different time zone) simply overwhelms me every day.
Life is better and better and better and better every second. There are still downs -- I have had a few of them recently -- but in some ways they hardly touch me, and almost never linger long. There is too much love and peace and joy in my life, now.
Thank you, Universe!
So here's the scoop:
I'm a lot healthier in every way these days.
Raymond and I are still friends, though not as close as we used to be. He's enjoying his busy life and I, mine. Still doing a lot of healing work there -- I'm always surprised at what comes up. But I suppose you can't live with someone for seven years or so and NOT take stuff away, good or bad.
I'm a solid part of many different communities now. It's cool, and weird, and a little exhausting, but since I got rid of that guilt programming it's been a lot easier to communicate with people. I don't burn out nearly so easily now, and I mind my resources better.
Biggest news of all: I'm in love again. Amazing, fantastic, BRILLIANT love, like nothing I have ever experienced. So far it's exactly like a relationship is supposed to be: warm, supportive, passionate....comfortable. More than that. It's as if I am more easy in my skin with him than at any other time. And he's helping me heal so much, so quickly! The sheer blessing of his presence in my life (even though he lives in a totally different time zone) simply overwhelms me every day.
Life is better and better and better and better every second. There are still downs -- I have had a few of them recently -- but in some ways they hardly touch me, and almost never linger long. There is too much love and peace and joy in my life, now.
Thank you, Universe!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Back on solid ground, sort of.
Quick note here.
A lot has happened in the last...almost two months. I turn twenty-seven at the end of the week. I have made some personal vows to break certain patterns and make new ones. My head still whirls...everything has happened so quickly.
Raymond and I are officially a done item. It was done badly, and I handled it worse. Things have been really rocky, but we're attempting to be friends now and handle one another gently. I'm still really sad that it didn't work, a part of me is still whimpering about the loss of him. And of course, I've never been on my own before. Being alone is WEIRD. But I have a lot of friends, and a wonderful family, and so many activities that I very rarely actually spend a whole day without seeing anyone. And it's impossible to go a whole day without TALKING to somebody. So that's helping keep me sane.
He's still struggling to find work, but very excited about going back to school for writing and photography. I'm trying to find my first job ever...sort of. I'm still settling into this new life of mine, and jobs are scary. Some part of me goes "let's just wait a little longer. We're not in trouble yet". Bad planning, I know. But every day I inch closer to success.
I'm trying to do the NaNoWriMo this month, but haven't written a word yet. Have to get on that. Have to pay bills. Have to get my cell phone charger back! I'm doing a podcast with some friends, and it will totally rock when it gets posted. I have a lot of good things in my life, and people that I haven't spoken to in forever are coming out of the woodwork. It's hard to keep up with them, but I'm trying.
That's enough said for now, I'll try to make a more complete update soon.
A lot has happened in the last...almost two months. I turn twenty-seven at the end of the week. I have made some personal vows to break certain patterns and make new ones. My head still whirls...everything has happened so quickly.
Raymond and I are officially a done item. It was done badly, and I handled it worse. Things have been really rocky, but we're attempting to be friends now and handle one another gently. I'm still really sad that it didn't work, a part of me is still whimpering about the loss of him. And of course, I've never been on my own before. Being alone is WEIRD. But I have a lot of friends, and a wonderful family, and so many activities that I very rarely actually spend a whole day without seeing anyone. And it's impossible to go a whole day without TALKING to somebody. So that's helping keep me sane.
He's still struggling to find work, but very excited about going back to school for writing and photography. I'm trying to find my first job ever...sort of. I'm still settling into this new life of mine, and jobs are scary. Some part of me goes "let's just wait a little longer. We're not in trouble yet". Bad planning, I know. But every day I inch closer to success.
I'm trying to do the NaNoWriMo this month, but haven't written a word yet. Have to get on that. Have to pay bills. Have to get my cell phone charger back! I'm doing a podcast with some friends, and it will totally rock when it gets posted. I have a lot of good things in my life, and people that I haven't spoken to in forever are coming out of the woodwork. It's hard to keep up with them, but I'm trying.
That's enough said for now, I'll try to make a more complete update soon.
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