It is raining outside. But I am okay with that, because it's a lovely, gentle, spring rain. It is officially spring-like outside, with the light, intermittent little droplets wetting the ground just enough to mingle the smell of warm damp pavement with the powdery scent of ornamental pear trees in full bloom. There is a brisk little breeze, gusting in a game attempt to become a full-blown wind, but though the blossom laden branches jitter and bounce, the tiny white petals still cling to tightly to their centers to be snatched away. It is an absolutely lovely day outside, and the feeling of real, honest to-goodness SPRING in the air fills me with delight. Even better, I have come home to an apartment empty of people, where I can relax and unwind for a few hours all by myself. Furthermore, although I am alone, I have walked through the door to the sound of one of my favorite music tracks playing from Raymond's computer. I know he must have done it to welcome me home, all the way from Raleigh, and I am still smiling for it.
My moods of late have been rather volatile and mixed. I love being here by myself, I really do. I feel so much...freer, I guess, to do and be and feel whatever I like. I'm far more relaxed. Oddly, I find myself wanting to share this feeling of relaxation and release with Raymond....but since it arises out of being ALONE, I'm not really sure how I can do that.
Strange how we can both cherish and resent those things in our lives which we hold the most dear. My solitude. My husband. My sight. My dear friend Relaeh. Writing Club. Even reading. People and things I have agreed to and WANT to have and be with and do. There are not enough hours in the day, in the week, in the MONTH to do it all justice and not feel depleted. And I am constantly reminded, when I get the urge to DO something, that I am held hostage by my sight. Sometimes all I want to do is hop in a car and drive MYSELF downtown to buy a cup of tea, or a book, or an ice cream cone. But I can't. There are always people attached to my travel, husband/friends/busdriver.... I cannot simply walk out the door and go. Oh sure, I can WALK some places. But that takes far more effort than suppressing the desire to go somewhere. And no matter how accommodating the people in my life profess to be, I still feel guilty about asking them to interrupt their own life-streams to take me this place or that. I want to do things on my own, and not inconvenience anyone. Especially not myself.
What would it be like, really, to be completely my own person? The master of my own destiny, queen of my abode and captain of my own ship? What would it be like to be completely in charge of my own person, my own life, and absolutely no one else's?
Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be married. I'm very happy to be of such help to my very dear friend and to share her conversation and her company. I'm ecstatic to have the people of the Writing Club shower me twice a week with their prose and poetry. But I simply can't seem to shake this subtle, pervasive feeling of being tied, trapped, held hostage against my good behavior. I want to live and be and do the things that I want. I want to be like this lady in "Eat, Pray, Love", and drop everything not fullfilling in favor of a wild adventure into the core of my own being and drive.
Is this a faze? Do I need to fix it? Am I broken? I used to feel as if I were here almost solely for the benefit of other people. I was here to serve them, to give everyone every part of me I possibly could. I believed I was here purely to HELP everyone.
But I don't want to help everyone now. I feel rather like I've done my time and been burnt to a crisp in the process. I need some tender-loving care dammit, and I DON'T need those closest to me saying silly, self-centered things like "You haven't stopped for a single moment to spend time with me today", or "Why don't you want to stay over at my house?". Really now people, I've spent the last CHUNK of my life giving you everything I had. Please, can't you do me the courtesy of backing off? My answer is simply "I was doing something else that I wanted to do" and "Because I just don't want to be there." Take it or leave it folks, I'm about done with being guilty and diplomatic. I NEED my space. I NEED to do my own thing, and sometimes that includes you, and sometimes it doesn't. And sometimes it includes other people NOT you. I've given as many people as I could all the understanding and compassion, time and energy, love and life-force I could possibly manage for years. I don't think it's really unreasonable that I get just a little of that reflected back on me in return.
I love you. I really, really do. I promise that this is a phase, and I will get over it. It might take a year or two, but I WILL balance out. That's not really a very long time in the scheme of things. So as you love me back, do us all a favor and just LET ME GO. Share your life with me sure, I want to know. But support me in my exploration and experimentations. Let me learn what it is to be a strong individual.
I want to learn to be myself. LET ME.
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3 comments:
Sammy, I am so grateful to see you finally saying these things. It's what I've been trying to tell you for years, but I know you needed to come to the realization on your own...otherwise it would have been meaningless, right?
Thank you for finally being selfish enough to do something for yourself. BE selfish! It's the first time you ever have been! Do your own thing, have an adventure, luxuriate in the ability to swim in your own ponderings and your own company. You are NOT here solely to serve others. That would be like saying that rain exists only to nurture the flowers, or that the flowers exist only to be picked and arranged in bouquets.
You are an amazing person, Sammy. You deserve to have time and freedom. You NEED that as a person and as an artist, and you need to unearth Sammy from the definitions you've given yourself in terms of other people. You may be Raymond's wife, and Releah's friend, and a member of the writing club, but you are Sammy first, and only you can tell us what that means. Dig yourself out and brush yourself off, because you've been buried too long.
Happy excavation, let me know how it goes!! Much love and adoration from halfway across the world,
Scribe
PS: "I promise that this is a phase, and I will get over it. It might take a year or two, but I WILL balance out. That's not really a very long time in the scheme of things." It doesn't need to be a phase to covet your own freedom. ;)
Aw, Sammy. I wish I could give you one of my (admittedly, imperfect) eyeballs so that you could do all of the spur of the moment things that you want to do.
Even just having the power to do so, and not doing so, is a freedom.
Your freedoms are legion, though, your ability with language (magnificent), your bravery (unheralded, but there), and your ability to love.
You are amazing.
Please, go to bed. I know that you are up late doing your competition. Please also, eat something. Something substantive.
I check your journal every day now, just so you know. :) I hope things are going well with you! Much love,
Scribe
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