Life (or lack thereof) Update

So yes, it does in fact seem to be happening. I still don't know if it's permanent, but I'm getting the message loud and clear that Raymond and I need to be apart for awhile, and that I am not going to be allowed by the Universe in general to remain attached to my house.

So, I have a boarder situation lined up for me, while Raymond and a mutual friend look for an apartment together. I'm more than actively looking for a job, I've even turned in a resume. It's hard and scary as hell, but not as hard and scary as looking at my house and thinking "What can I take with me? What will have to go into storage? Who gets to keep that lamp?" Everytime I start to think about it, I want to cry.

But that's not doing me any good. I'm trying to eat every day (I haven't done that yet, but I will). I'm popping vitamin B like candy and wearing hematite and rose quartz in an attempt to stay grounded and on an even keel. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger. It's been two weeks now and I haven't died, so I guess I'm stuck here. If I can't die of a broken heart and I'm too much of a coward to do it any other way, then I'd better make the best of life. I don't know if this will make me stronger, but it will make me much more careful. Once bitten, twice shy as they say.

I feel as if I am sort of living on platitudes and cliches right now, but they're common because they MEAN something, so it's okay. I'm so tired, and angry, and depressed, I just want to crawl into a hole and pull my daydreams in after me. But I don't have that option. I'm losing my house, my husband, and a huge chunk of my entire world. I made the mistake of tying my faith into a human being, and like any human being, he is prone to mistakes. He is leaving me, which is not smart of him, but maybe necessary anyway. It will be a hard road to recovery, if we ever make it that far. One thing is for certain -- I will never be addicted to anything again. I thought I wasn't, but I was addicted to him. When you get addicted to anything, it leaves you vulnerable. If someone can take it from you and render you totally debilitated, then you are too dependent on it. Never again.

Now comes the painful process of rediscovering myself as an individual. I've spend almost a third of my life attached to this other human being, utterly consumed in couplism. And now he is leaving me, abandoning me to save himself. Can I ever trust him again? I don't know. I don't have any control over him, a frightening process for a control nut like me. It's like someone took the central pillar of my existence away, without regard for whether the structure will collapse on my head.

But it isn't, not completely. I have a lot of friends and family giving me a lot of support. That means more to me than I can possibly say. The lot of you are keeping me alive, afloat, and half-sane. I would be utterly lost without you, thank you so very, very much. Your compassion and affection are the best things I could have received in my hour of need.

So now, I will learn some independence. I was already learning it, but now I get the crash course. I will spend some time in a boarder situation. I will get a job and pay off my debts hand over fist. I will find my own place in time. Maybe I will find it with Raymond, maybe not. I will make enough to really live, to put money aside for the birth of children, for their college funds, for family vacations and braces and new bicycles...whether or not Raymond is in the picture. I can't say I will one day love again. I can't feel that far ahead. I want Raymond back, and I want him right now. Failing that I'm willing to work on being a strong, independent, healthy, wealthy woman while I wait for him to figure himself out. Then we'll talk.