So, you know how you hit a stretch of good luck, and at first you're kind of suspicious of it because it looks too perfect? And then you stop being suspicious and just enjoy it for awhile, but in the back of your head maybe you wonder when the other shoe will drop? And then you hit that end of the good luck, abrupt or tapered and part of your brain goes "Damn, why did I fall for that? I knew it was too good to last long"? But of course, by the time that hits you, you've settled into a new routine that doesn't include the old defensive posture....
I suppose in the scheme of things I'm not that bad off. I've still got a new car. I'm still moving into a new house. But I've been feeling something looming, pressing down on me the last two weeks, making me want to bite everything in sight in spite of my good fortune, and I suppose I should have taken that as a warning.
I mean, I knew that things were going to be tight. However well you budget anything, little things are going to bite you in the behind with glee and force. There are bills mounting up in my brain, some of which we didn't need to incur, that will need paying soon, but we in all likely hood are not going to be able to pay them off in a timely fashion. I learned last night a number of banks have crashed and there was a closed session in the government the other day where they discussed the imminent threat of an economic crash of the U.S. I am disabled and a student and depend on a stable government for money, which will go away in the event of such a colossal disaster. Raymond wants to pull all but the money necessary out of our bank accounts so that we don't run the risk of losing it, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I am dead-level certain that not only will cash not collect interest, it is more likely to be spent than if it is sitting in a savings account. And besides all of that....if such a thing happens then we won't be able to depend on the infrastructure of the city, various utilities, the availability of food or gas or a thousand other things. In an economic crash, programmers are not in high demand, so it's possible Raymond might lose his lovely new job as well. That means we'll have NO money coming into the house....and we simply cannot afford that now. The only good things I can think of out of this (and they are lighter gray patches in a sea of black) is that I might not have to pay back those debts I owe if we have an economic reset.
Of course I feel like a complete wacko considering the collapse of our economy. That's a conspiracy theorist topic, isn't it? Except that one of the nation's biggest banks went under the other day, and there have been something like thirty smaller that have folded recently as well. The FDIC can't take care of them all. But in the event that such craziness doesn't happen for whatever reason, then I'm going to be left feeling like an idiot with a bunch of survival supplies on my hands and not the money I spent on them.
Even without economic disaster things are still going to be tight. I'm fairly certain we aren't going to be able to pay off either credit card or computers before they begin accruing interest, although we may manage the washer and dryer at least. Those bills are going to eat us alive, and the only thing we can hope for is a bonus to Raymond's paycheck, or at least to have his expenses come in.
Let's add to all this one best friend who is ill and in economic travail, whom I would like to rescue but can't because all of my assets are tied up in other things. I'm not as bad off as she is, so I feel guilty not only for not rescuing her, but for not being able to do it even though I can afford food more readily. Another best friend is heading for Japan tomorrow, and I wasn't able to see her one last time. I just hope she answers her phone today. Still another friend is leaving for Washington State in December, a woman who has been a steady rock in my life for almost the last year or so. I'm headed into a rough period of my life and I'm losing the two calmest people in my life, the people who have acted like harbors in a storm for me. I'm not sure how badly I'll scare off anyone else, and I know for a fact that too many of my friends depend on me for a similar service, or at least have too much drama in their own lives to cope with mine too. It is not in me to wish them anything but the greatest possible joy in their futures, but I seriously resent the circumstances that have led me here. Or something. I need to resent something.
And then there are the little things. I HAVE to get the litmag done. School ends in a week and I HAVE to get that work done. Moving has snuck up on me and I'm not ready for it yet, my house isn't ready for it yet.... Will I or won't I get a chance to see my grandparents in a couple of weeks? It depends on whether I can get a ride. Whether I can get a ride depends on how successful another of my friends is with his new business venture. If he is VERY successful, he won't be able to take me, but I can't possibly hope he WON'T succeed. I have too much to do, and not enough time to do it in. There are too many circumstances I don't have any control over, and the ones I do I don't really see anyway not to mess them up. Moreover, I'm back to wanting to hide in the back or my closet or under my bed and tell everyone and everything to go to hell. I don't even necessarily have my health. I desperately need to visit a dentist, but don't have the time for that. Of course, if things crash magnificently in the next few months, I might never get a chance to go see one, so I should probably MAKE time to have my jaw drilled into painfully. I'm solid knots from the base of my skull to the tips of my toes and can't seem to get anything to relax. All of my ligaments have tightened down to screaming levels over the last few months. My hip aches almost every day now no matter what I do, I might just have to start living on painkillers -- if they'll work.
I resent practically everyone and everything right now for various reasons, and want desperately to have a target on which to settle the blame for all of this.
And in the midst of this I am aware that my situation is still pretty good, comparatively, so I have that little annoying voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm whining, I don't really have anything to complain about, and I should just get over myself and do the things I need to do. Thanks so very much, little voice.
I'd better go take some vitamin B. And eat something. At least that will give me something legitimate to bite.
So I mentioned we were going to go looking at a house to rent in my last entry. Here it is, and yes, we go to sign the paperwork tomorrow for moving. Our lease with our current apartment runs through August, and we have given them their outrageous sixty days notice. SIXTY days? Seriously? It's the new management. We're probably not going to get our security deposit back, having been here for four years of wear and tear. But we'll still be more than fine, I think.
t feels wonderful. The simple fact that I can buy a book (a new book!) when I want one feels jawdroppingly amazing to me after so long hating to window-shop because I could never afford anything I looked at. It's like stretching after spending a lot of time inside a very small box. And who is responsible for this wonderful change of events in my life? That would be Raymond, pictured on the right, hard at work at his new job after earning his well-deserved degree in a subject he loves. In January we began not only a new year, but a new life. I'm very excited to see what comes next, and quite determined not to make a hash of it. Wish me luck!
