Quick update in case anyone is interested.
Tomorrow is my freaking anniversary. Eight years ago Raymond and I sat over pizza on his first visit to me in college. We were making long range plans, and he says to me "So I guess we're getting married, huh?" And I said to him, "Yep. Took you this long to figure it out?"
And now this.
Today he began moving things into his new apartment. He told me he wants to move the dresser tomorrow. He did not ask me if I would pretty please remove my clothes and jewelry from it. He did not tell me when he intended to do this. He did not add "I'll put the other dresser in the bedroom so you can transfer your stuff". He did not inform me prior to this evening that he intended for his relatives to stay the night...and sleep on the floor.
It is not the events themselves that hurt so much as the lack of communication. That he does not care even enough to keep me in the loop. Granted, it may be a lack of understanding that even a roommate deserves that much knowledge rather than a lack of feeling but...it hurts. To mark the real, official movement of him from OUR space to HIS space on the very day eight years ago that he so casually echoed my assumption that we would be life-long partners....you know, I don't think he even realizes what day it is.
He got the job as an event photographer. It's part-time, un-reliable work for sucky pay, but it's income. He's working for Archie a little too, and has an interview for a full-time programming job. Already. Today, I got back my first honest-to-goodness rejection notice. Lucky me.
I don't know how I feel anymore. I want to be strong, independent, successful....and I want to hide under the covers, or throw myself at his ankles and beg him to stay. I want to chain him to me and throw away the key....and I want him to please just go away. I don't want to leave my home and family life behind....but I'm looking forward to being my own woman, beholden to no one in my own environment but me.
See? I am a healthy, independent, successful young woman. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!
Fuck.
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3 comments:
First: *HUG*
Second: You are a strong, independent woman, but that doesn't mean you want to be. It's hard, and this change is going to be really hard. The number of times I wished I could just go back to Stu for the comfort and SECURITY of there being someone there outnumber the times, at first, when I felt unburdened and relieved. But then, I realized, it didn't matter so much that it be Stu. I just wanted *someone*, and that's what helped me get over it.
I'm in Japan, but I'm here for you.
Hi Sammy....
Damnit Raymond..if I knew he was gonna be that way... id not been so polite so many years ago. Thats what I get for being a gentleman. Khorrain... can I call you that, you are very special, my dear dont forget that. If Raymond was too pig-headed to see that then hes a fool!! Your better off without anyone whos gonna bring ya down, life too short,too precious to let it. Miss ya, not a day went by I havent thought of you my sister!
*laughs* Thanks for the support! Actually, things are better between me and Raymond now, although he has fully divorced me. We are living in seperate places now, but trying to be just friends. It's a little sensitive and precarious, but I think we'll manage, and it's the way things are supposed to be. Being at odds with him simply felt WRONG. You don't llove someone for eight years and feel good about fighting with them.
That being said, it's weird living on my own. You know I'm twenty-seven in a few days, and I've never done that before? I'm looking for my first ever real job, now that I have one and a half degrees under my belt. Being alone is is really, really odd. But I have an enormous network of friends and family who are really supportive of me. I need to update this thing.
Yes, you can call me that if you like, but it's spelled Kharrain!
What's your latest email address? Drop me a line at my hotmail, and tell me what you've been up to! It's been several years.
*HUGS*
Kharrain
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